I’m not sure yet how I feel about making this post public. I probably will, but I fully understand that it’s going to invite a lot of comments that go against what I’m about to say. I ask that you please just remember that everyone struggles with their faith at some point or another. I kind of feel like if you don’t struggle with your relationship with God, if you don’t question His motives or His timing or the desires He places in your heart, then you aren’t doing it right; you’re not using the intelligence and free will and free thinking mind that God gave you in the first place.
Having said all of that, I’m having so much trouble keeping the faith these days. I sometimes feel like I’m losing my religion, if you will.
Here’s what I know:
- From a young age, God put the desire to be a mommy into my heart
- In my early 20s, God put the resolve into my heart to have a child, no matter my relationship situation (you can ask my own mommy; if I didn’t have someone in my life by the time I was 30, I was going to go it alone)
- In my mid 20s, God brought a man into my life that I grew to love and admire for his intelligence, his kindness, his goodness, his passion. God put a man into my life who would be a wonderful daddy, and who I could easily envision raising a family with
- After our wedding, God put the desire into both of our hearts to expand our family, to have a child or two that we would raise to be good, kind, caring, passionate human beings
- After almost two years of trying to expand our family (both naturally and through medical intervention), God still insists on keeping that desire in our hearts but shows no sign of fulfilling that desire or answering our question of why
Here’s what I feel (or at least some of it):
- Anger with God for putting such a strong desire into our hearts, for setting us up in a great situation to raise our family, and for denying us that fulfillment
- Frustration at having to deal with doctors poking and prodding us (mostly me) for months on end only to find that nothing seems wrong on the surface, I just can’t get pregnant (oh, and hey, you might have bad eggs at only 29, it happens)
- Jealousy over every single pregnancy announcement, hints at big news to come (which, at our age, is almost certainly a pregnancy announcement), birth announcements, children’s birthday parties and first days of school. All of it.
- Broken because my body won’t do that one special thing that a woman’s body is supposed to do
- Sadness deeper than I’ve ever felt before. For all of the reasons above and more
- More frustration that God brought this wonderful, caring man into my world and I can’t give him the family that he wants and deserves. I know I’m his family, but the things he could teach our child… it’s not fair that he hasn’t been given that chance
- More anger at those who seek to tell us how to grieve, how long to grieve and process, and how to move forward from here
- Desperation to find that one magic bullet that will fix our problems, or desperation to at least come to a decision and resolve not to look back, only forward
I am fully aware that things rarely happen on the schedule we set for ourselves and our lives. But that doesn’t make waiting on anyone else’s timing any easier. It’s also so easy to tell others to trust in God’s timing when you’re on the other side of the bleakness. When you’re on this side, filled with desperation and hopelessness and anger and frustration and all the other feelings… trusting anyone — even yourself, even God — is damn near impossible.
“Yours is not to question why.” But what kind of intelligent being doesn’t ever question, just blindly follows? It’s okay to have faith, but I can’t never question why I’m on a certain path. Hopefully one day I will understand. But I may never understand the need for this journey, and that is hard for a curious person like myself. God made me curious, so I’m sure, just like any parent who raised an inquisitive child who now insists on constantly asking why the sky is blue or the grass is green, rolls His eyes when I question but then thinks, “Well, I made her like this, I’ve got to suffer the consequences.” I just wish He would attempt an explanation.
The biggest prayer in my heart right now: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.