Silence

Why is it that women don’t feel like they can commiserate together when they’re going through certain things? Shouldn’t we be here for each other, shouldn’t we say, “Hey, I know what you’re going through, and I know it hurts like hell. I also know there’s nothing I can say to make it better. Just know you’re not alone.”

 

The Husband and I have been trying to have a baby since the beginning of the year. He’ll tell you that we haven’t really been trying that long because we only recently started giving it our all. I’ll tell you that we removed all means of protection at the beginning of the year, and whether or not we were giving it our all, my brain and my heart and my spirit have been in this and giving it their allsince the beginning.

 

And they’re broken.

 

Well, okay, it doesn’t make sense to say my brain is broken.But my spirit and my heart? Oh yeah. Most definitely.

 

But I feel like I have to suffer in silence. Why? Because women just don’t talk about these things. We don’t talk about trying to conceive or infertility or miscarriages, at least not when we’re not behind a computer screen and a keyboard. Talk about it on a forum where you’re completely anonymous? Sure, not a problem! But talk about it with friends; have a heart-to-heart about what it feels like to be unsuccessful at something our bodies were made to do? Inconceivable! We just don’t do that.

 

It’s an unspoken truth that many women deal with months and months of trying to have a baby before it happens. It’s an unspoken truth that we all seethe with irrational anger when a pregnancy announcement is made. It’s an unspoken truth that we go on these crazy emotional roller coasters that take their toll on our hearts and minds and relationships.

 

But it’s also an unspoken truth that we’re expected to deal with it in silence. We’re not supposed to complain about it. Since we’ve all been on the Trying to Conceive roller coaster, we’re just supposed to suck it up, buttercup! The first rule of TTC is don’t talk about TTC! There’s no crying in TTC!

 

Oh, but there is. There is so much crying. So many tears, I feel like I’ve cried a river bigger than the Mississippi sometimes.

 

And why don’t we cry together? Why do we keep hidden what we’re going through? Are we ashamed that our bodies aren’t doing what they’re made to do? Are we worried we’ll be thought of as less than by people? Are we afraid to drag up painful memories?

 

For me, personally, I think it’s mostly that I don’t want to bring anyone else down. Especially because so many people I know are experiencing happiness, often in the form of new little lives. And who am I to take away from their joy? They don’t need to listen to me cry about not getting what I want. They were there. They know what it’s like to try and try and try. But now they’ve succeeded, and they should be able to enjoy that without me bitching about my lack of success. Right?

 

I don’t want to suffer in silence, though. I want to talk to people who’ve been where I am now. I don’t need comforting words, or to be told it’ll happen eventually or that I need to stop stressing/trying/obsessing/whatever other verb they come up with. I just want to hear that I’m not alone in feeling this way.

 

Make no mistake; I’m not in this alone. The Husband is by my side and riding all of these ups and downs with me. And I’m so blessed to have him on this ride with me, and his optimism is a great counterpoint to my pessimism and tears. I know he’s right that we’ll have a baby, someday. I know he’s right that another month down doesn’t meanfailure; it just means we get to try again. I know all of this, and I’m so glad he reminds me of it. But this experience is different for him. He knows it. I know it. And that only really serves to drive a wedge between us some days.

 

There are so many feelings inside me right now, and to address them all would make for a very messy blog post, and I already feel like I’m all over the place. I think it would be best to address different aspects of these feelings in separate posts, just to compartmentalize everything. Just know I’m not asking for sympathy. I’m not asking for advice. I’m just opening up a dialogue. If this post can help anyone in this or a similar situation feel like they can and should talk about what they’re going through, feel like they aren’t alone in their fertility struggles, then I’ve done myjob.

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Posted in ttc

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