I’ve been trying for a while to find the words to explain the absolute hell my emotions have been going through lately. Life has been a whirlwind the last two months or so, in many respects, and I’ve taken a beating emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
Since the beginning of the year, the Husband and I have been trying to start a family. To no avail.
We’ve been talking about taking this next step for a while, and had originally decided to wait until we’d been married a year or so. But my ticking time bomb of a uterus got the best of me, and eventually, the Husband felt like he was ready enough (meaning he knew he’d never be ready, so why not go ahead and start trying). So I went off birth control in December and we’ve been trying to conceive since the beginning of the year.
Obviously, though, we’re not having any luck. And I have to say it’s causing quite a strain. On many levels. It’s a strain on me because, as the title of this blog suggests, I’m on a complete emotional roller coaster. I explained it to the Husband in this way: for about two weeks, my hopes are sky high and I’m convinced this will be the month; then, Mother Nature rears her ugly head and I realize I’m not pregnant, so for about a week, I’m worse than devastated; and then there’s about a week of absolutely neutral feelings and a build-up of what can we do differently this time before the cycle starts all over again.
Going through this for going on eight months straight now is really taking a toll on me. It’s taking a toll emotionally because I feel like I’m never on solid footing when it comes to how I’m feeling. Any little thing can set me off, especially baby pictures and announcements on Facebook (and those seem to be increasing exponentially lately).
It’s taking a toll on my relationship with the Husband. He watches me go through this month after month and there’s nothing he can do about it. Optimism isn’t what I want to hear, so I lash out at him when he tries that. Or I shut down. He gets his hopes up, too, I know, but he feels like he can’t show any disappointment because it would only make things worse for me.
It’s taking a toll spiritually because I can’t understand why God would give me the feeling, deep in my soul, since I was a little girl, that I was meant to be a mother, but He hasn’t sent us that little soul to take care of. I don’t get it. I’ve known since I was a little toddler carrying around my Cabbage Patch babies (three of them, to be exact) that being a mommy is what I’m made for.
I want to look into it. I want to find out if there’s anything we’re doing wrong, or anything we could be doing to increase our chances of conceiving. The Husband, being an engineer, relies on statistics, and that statistics say that we shouldn’t necessary have conceived yet. We’re at maybe 50/50 chances at this point. And I get that. I do. I understand data and stats and chances. But that’s not enough for me. Other people are getting it right, some who aren’t even trying. So why can’t we?
It’s. Not. Fair.
I know that an immature thing to say. And this post definitely turned out much more whiny than I meant. But I can’t help it. Sometimes, it’s okay to be whiny and to be upset that you’re not getting your way. And that’s how I feel right now. I’m not getting what I want on my own terms, and I’m frustrated and upset by that. That’s not to say I’m not taking steps to fix the issue – I am; the Husband and I are. But the emotions are still there, the roller coaster is still happening. We’re in that slow climb up to the top of the hill right now, and I’m praying to not come crashing down this time around. Whether because we’re successful or I’m just better able to handle it. Either would be fine, I just don’t want to spend days in a row crying or trying not to cry.
Some prayers or good vibes would be appreciated. Not just that we’re successful, but that I can make some peace within myself over what’s going on. Because I know that we’re going to continue to have troubles until I’m able to just let go, trust that this is the path we’re supposed to be on. Ups and downs and all.