As I continue in this journey to truly find myself, I have to remind myself regularly that this is going to be a constant struggle, even those times when I’m happy. Finding myself doesn’t simply mean to be happy. It’s a way of living such that I am always aware of who I am in a given moment, always know what it is I want out of that moment or out of an experience. To truly know oneself, I feel, is to be able to really live in the moment, take it all in, and live life with as few regrets as possible. I can’t say no regrets because I have yet to meet a single person who doesn’t regret something in their life, even if it shaped the person they are. I am no exception.
This struggle to find myself and move closer to being able to truly live in the moment got a fresh start at the turn of the clock to a new year. 2013 brought big challenges, big changes, and some of the most amazing experiences and memories of my life to date. And I have no doubt that 2014 will no different. The Husband and I are embarking on our first year as a married couple, and all the ups and downs that will entail. I’m hitting a stride at work, and with as fast as we’re growing, I feel certain that this will be a big year for me, career-wise. My lifelong weight battle continues as I work to get rid of those last 20 pounds or so. In order to work through these experiences and continue the groundwork I’ve laid for finding myself, I’ve decided to think about and write out some resolutions that I think will help me face this new year head-on.
The biggest thing I want to do this year is work on my communication skills. Because the Husband’s background isn’t really in communicating your deepest feelings, even to those you love most, I’ve found myself often not saying exactly what’s on my mind when I want to. I’m worried about pushing him to talk when he doesn’t want to. Or I’m afraid that the fact that I want to do something is going to annoy this man who wants to just relax on the weekend. But we’re in this together, and it isn’t fair to either of us for me to not feel comfortable saying what I think or what I want.
I have to have a side note here to say just how wonderful the Husband is. He knows I do this. He knows I’m not saying what’s on my mind, and he’s so good about not losing patience with me, but rather coaxing things out of me slowly. It’s such a loving gesture that he works me through this, despite his maybe not feeling totally comfortable talking about his feelings all the time, knowing that the ways my mind and heart work all but require me to talk about these things.
I also would like to learn some patience. I am naturally a very impatient person and always have been. I want to know things, do things, and when I’ve planned things, I’m ready for them to happen immediately. The Husband and I have been doing a lot of talking recently about our family and where we’re headed. And it is my goal – and this requires constant consciousness of my thoughts, words, and actions – to trust in the Lord and His plans for our family. Just because I feel that I’m ready to start our family doesn’t mean that’s His plan for us. None of us know God’s plans for us. The unknown is what makes life so exhilarating! But my patience often does not allow me to revel in that exhilaration. And I want to live in the moment. I want to be with the Husband, love my husband, and if and when God decides it’s time to bless us with a life created out of our live, we will rejoice in that. Until then… patience is a virtue I must learn.
The patience thing carries over into my work life as well. The company I work for is growing, and rather quickly. I’ve taken on a lot of responsibilities in the last few months that I feel will really help grow my resume and take me down a career path I never envisioned for myself, but am so ecstatic about nonetheless. Patience is required to keep me focused on the tasks at hand, not on the future of what I could be to this company, or any other. I must continue to do my job, do it well, go above and beyond when I can and when appropriate, and let the progress happen as it will. The second I get ahead of myself is the second I falter, and I cannot let that happen. Not when I have such a great thing going.
Finally, I hope to continue the progress I made last year on my health and weight. I truly feel so much healthier than I ever have before. The only issue is that perhaps I pushed myself too hard when trying to reach my goals, and my body is now suffering for it. Just general aches and pains, but still, it holds me back. Since the wedding, I’ve gained around 10 pounds, and I will lose that weight. I am back into my routine of working out, and I will continue to perfect that routine. A friend and I are planning to start barre fitness classes soon. My co-workers have invited me to go to yoga with them once a week. These additions to my routine are sure to help me build the muscle my body needs. I plan to get back to cooking at home more, where I can control what goes into the food we eat.
In a similar vein (I know I said “finally,” but this is related), and related to being in the moment and enjoying experiences, I would like to work through the body image issues I continue to have. Having been big my entire life (or as much of it as I can remember), I have always suffered from extreme body image issues. I have never liked what I see in the mirror. But since losing the weight, there are days – rare days – where I look in the mirror and think I’m beautiful. This should be an everyday experience. How can I possibly think about raising children to love who they are when I can’t even do that myself? It’s a difficult struggle, but I can feel those walls slowly coming down and a slow acceptance and love of who I am.
There are, of course, other, smaller goals I have for myself and my family. Clean more. Spend less time in front of the television and more time enjoying the company of the Husband, of my family. Try out new, healthy recipes. Explore my city more, travel. The usual, right?
A lot of lofty goals for myself and my family this year. But as I said, if last year’s bigness is any indication, we’re in for and up for a lot positive change!