Swirling jumble of scared

I don’t write enough. And when I started this blog, I swore to myself I would write because I know it’s the best way to get the ideas and thoughts and swirling jumble of crazy obsessiveness out of my head and into a space where I can ruminate over whatever is bothering me by actually looking at it, trying to find some thought process or meaning or connection in there, make sense of everything, and find some way to push forward.

And now I’m stalled. I’m not pushing forward anymore. I’m ruminating all in my head, it’s not coming out, and I feel a little like I’m going crazy again.

I started going backward a few weeks ago. I had a bad experience in the classroom, and I felt myself spiraling downward again. I reverted back to hiding under the covers to escape the scariness of it all. And then the scariness was compounded because I was scared that I let myself do that all over again, knowing how poorly that ended last time.

I have got to get over being scared. I’m scared of being in the classroom again. I’m scared of how I react to one bad day. I’m scared I won’t be able to find a good paying job and actually contribute to my household. I’m scared of people judging me. I’m scared. And it’s holding me back.

I think all of this being scared, this big scary world I think I live in, is keeping me from writing, too. I’m repetitive because I’ve truly only got a few things on my mind that are worrying me. So that’s what I write about. And then I get worried that my repetitiveness is annoying. But why should I care? This blog isn’t for the rest of the world. It’s for me! And the only way to get past my fears is to face them, think them through, conquer them. That is what this blog is all about for me. I need to remember that, above all else. This is my healing.

My new goal – and I’m going to try so hard to stick to this – is to find one important topic in my world every day or two, and write about that. Write my thoughts, feelings, worries, fears, whatever, about that one big topic in MY world. Maybe it’s a frivolous topic that day, but if it’s something I feel strongly about at the time, then in MY world, it’s not frivolous or stupid, so I can’t worry about being judged for that.

I have to get over these fears. Starting now.

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