A different journey

I have been out of work for over a month now.  And technically without a job for about two and a half weeks.  And most days, I feel the relief that has come with resigning, and the changes for the better that I am going through, both mentally and physically.

However, there has been one change with which I am terribly upset.  The Fiancé warned me that with the healing of my ulcer would come either a plateau of my recently rapid weight loss, or even weight gain.  Hearing this was devastating to me, to say the least.  I’ve been on this journey to get healthy and lose a significant amount of weight for about a year and a half.  I was almost there.  At my lowest weight, about three weeks ago, I was a mere 12 pounds from my 100 pound weight loss goal.  TWELVE POUNDS!  I’d done that seven times over already.  The end was in sight.  And then comes this news.  News that I’m not as healthy as I once thought.  News that I was losing a significant amount of weight due in part to this ulcer.  News that letting it heal was going to cause me to backtrack.
Damn it.
I can’t go back.  I’ve worked way too hard to go back, to gain the weight back, to plateau now with the end so close.  Of course I know it would likely take a lot for me to gain all of the weight back, especially since so much of this has been a lifestyle change, not just a temporary diet.  But the fear of gaining weight back now, after everything, is terrifying.
I just want everyone to be proud of me for doing something I haven’t been able to do ever before in my life.  I want to look beautiful for my fiancé; I want to be stunning on our wedding day.  I don’t want to go back to not being able to shop with my friends because I’m embarrassed over the fact that I have to shop in different stores than them.  I want my future children to have a mom who is active in their activities, coaching them in soccer, softball, cheerleading, whatever.  One day, I want to prove to myself how far I’ve come by running a marathon, half-marathon, something!  I cannot go back now.
So I’m working on getting back my determination, my will power, all that other motivational crap.  I’m on my way to having gone to work out all five days this week, plus doing a little bit of working out at home.  I’m trying to get back to cooking at home, like I did before school took over everything and I didn’t have the energy anymore.  I’m going to do this. 
I’ve lost about two pounds this week, which puts me down to 15 pounds from my goal weight.  Ideally, I’d like to lose about 20 more pounds, just to give myself some fluctuation room for when I start maintaining my weight.  Seeing the numbers go back down on the scale has helped tremendously.  Now, if they’ll just keep going down!
I’m going to do this.  20 pounds is a drop in the bucket compared to what I’ve already lost, so I know I can do it.  Especially with all of the amazing support I have around me.  Support.  Never push or force.  And that, I think, has made the biggest difference in the world.  No one is telling me I should do, or I have to do this, or acting like they’re worried about my weight, like people have in the past.  I could never work under that kind of pressure.  But now that this is all me, all my choice, I’ve found I can do it.  And I know, without a doubt, that the people in my life loved me before, love me now, and will love me in the future, no matter what happens.  That means everything.

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