Done

Well, that’s it.  A decision has been made.  And carried out.  Still not quite sure how to feel about it, although I do feel as though a great weight is slowly being lifted from my shoulders.

I asked to be released from my teaching contract today and was approved.  So… that’s it for teaching, at least for the time being.  I think part of me will miss it, but a bigger part of me needs to move on for a while.  I think this was the healthiest choice for me.

Granted, there were a lot of tears along the way.  I was very torn about this decision.  I really just wanted to revert to being five years old, when your parents just told you what to do, what to think, how to act.  But no one could do that for me this time.  And that was hard for me.  There were pros and cons to both sides of the decision.  But in the end, my health comes first.

It was hard to go in today, look my boss in the eyes, and tell her I just couldn’t do it anymore.  Luckily she was very understanding.  That helped a lot.  Tomorrow will be hard as well, cleaning out a classroom that I, along with my family, poured my heart and soul into before the school year started.  It was also hard to go in today and have people I worked so closely with not have much to say to me.  I abandoned them, I know I did.  But that was still hard.

I know I haven’t let people down by making this choice.  At least not the people I care deeply about, the people who care deeply about and love me.  But I do feel a fair amount of disappointment in myself.  I had such high hopes for this year.  After ending last year on such a good note with my students, knowing I’d built great relationships with a good deal of them, and I’d helped them improve and achieve academically, I just knew that my abilities would transfer over.  I’m a good teacher.  I know my content, I can get students interested because I have a passion for what I’m teaching.

But this year was different from the start.  I knew it, too, somewhere deep inside.  I’ve been crying out for help for weeks on end, but been too afraid to speak up too loudly.  Any time I did make my concerns known loudly, I didn’t feel supported.  And I internalized.  Which I’ve always done, but under these conditions, it was just too much.

So now it’s time to take a step back, take a close look at life and what I want to do with it.  Analyze my options.  Take stock of my talents and how best to put them to use.

Now is definitely not a time for regrets.  No looking back.  What’s done is done.

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