After having a total meltdown at the thought of returning myself to the situation that broke me in the first place, I thought I’d finally made a decision. Now… well, back to square one, I guess.
Let’s backtrack a bit. I guess it’s time to finally break down what broke me down.
Two weeks ago, I broke. After weeks, months of fighting depression, trying to sleep it off, trying to remind myself that no one likes or wants to go to work, I broke. People can only be pushed so far before we don’t bend anymore, we break. I’d bent as far as I could. I felt uncomfortable, scared even, to go to work. And despite numerous attempts to fix the situation, things just kept escalating. I couldn’t anymore. Those were the words I kept saying that morning while I was doubled over in tears. “I can’t anymore.” I had been fighting bouts of nausea for weeks on end, and the thought of going to work, facing the students, literally turned my stomach. According to the Boyfriend, I was curled up in the fetal position on the bed crying every time he opened his mouth for about 45 minutes. I couldn’t move, couldn’t say much of anything.
The doctor diagnosed me with stress-induced depression and insomnia, as well as a developing ulcer. I’ve been on medical leave from work ever since, with a tentative return date of the 26th.
That brings us back to last night’s and today’s meltdown. That looming deadline has my stomach turning again. Not that it really ever stopped, but it’s getting worse, and the nausea kicks back up when I think about going back. I’m no better than I was when I left. I’ve spent all day crying at the drop of a hat. And not just a few tears; we’re talking the body-wracked-with-sobs kind of crying.
But I can’t give in. It would disappoint so many people, let down so many people, including myself. That’s why I’m back at square one. I thought I’d chosen my health, decided I knew when to say when, but it has been made abundantly clear to me that I need to do this. I can’t disappoint myself. I can’t disappoint the people I love. I wish this were an easier decision. And maybe it should be. Maybe I’m making a bigger deal out of things than I should.
I just don’t know. Again. Hello, square one.