For those of you who don’t know me, didn’t know me before, or have lost touch with me recently, I’ve gone through a pretty huge lifestyle change in the last year and a half or so. One day, I just had this revelation that if I kept going the way I was going, living the way I was living, I was never going to be the mom I wanted to be for my future kids, the wife I wanted to be for my future husband. I want to be the mom coaching soccer and softball, not sitting on the sidelines. So I decided to make a change.
This was me back in December of 2008, when I was at my heaviest. I lost maybe 15 pounds between this time and 2010, when I decided to change everything and really become the person I’ve always known was hiding inside.
This is me now, 85 pounds lighter. Well, probably closer to 100 pounds lighter from the picture above.
What does all this have to do with anything, you ask? Well, honestly, when I look at this picture, I don’t even recognize myself. Family and friends pass me in public and don’t recognize me. Yes, family. And while that’s exciting because I’ve so thoroughly changed the outside, I’m having trouble reconciling that with what’s going on inside.
Am I different inside? I always told myself if I achieved this goal of mine, I wouldn’t change who I was at my core to get there. But at times, I feel like I have. Some things have changed for the better, and some haven’t.
I’m more outgoing now, I feel. Much more likely to speak up, go right up to someone and talk to them or ask a question, because I feel much less judged than I did at 260 pounds. I feel more willing to put myself into social situations for the same reason, which has generally made me a happier person.
On the other hand, the obsessive part of my personality definitely took over during this transformation. It still has a hold over me, and I fear always will. I will always worry about how many calories are in that bite of ice cream, or worrying about working out extra hard because I went out to dinner the night before. Instead of just living a balanced life. That part of me is something else I don’t recognize. Don’t get me wrong, I recognize the obsessive tendencies. I’ve always had them. But this was taken to a new extreme, and I don’t know how to let go of them.
And those obsessive tendencies are bleeding over into other areas of my life. But that’s a story for another day. For now, to work on recognizing and loving the new me. For better and for worse.