I disappeared for the weekend, and it was hard for me to not write. Maybe I should have, but it felt good to just get away with the Boyfriend, get back to the basics of just me and him. We blasted Broadway musical soundtracks the whole time we were driving, saw La Boheme, ate wonderful meals, and visited with some of my family that I hadn’t seen in too long. All in all, it was a beautiful, magical weekend.
Unfortunately, I had to come home to my worries. I managed, while we were gone, to just write them down in my nightstand journal, and move on. But now it’s back to the real world.
The real world scares me right now. Which is completely insane and irrational. I just don’t know where life is leading me right now, at least not certain aspects of it. Or maybe I do, and that’s what has me so scared. Do you think it’s true that sometimes the decisions we know we need to make, the choices we know are right, the changes we know have to happen are the things that scare us the most?
I’m starting to think that may be what’s going on here. I feel in my gut and in my heart what needs to happen. But the idea of changing things scares me. I’m in a comfort zone, even though that zone has severely affected my health, my mind, my relationships. And it never seems to matter what that zone is actually doing to you, stepping outside of comfort is frightening as hell.
I’m also not sure that I know what’s right in my mind. Because every time I’ve got myself convinced I know what’s best for me, my mind starts reeling and that stupid little nagging voice starts to try to convince me otherwise. Starts telling me how disappointed everyone will be in me, and especially how disappointed I’ll be.
Why is doing what’s right and what’s best so damn difficult for me to just do?